he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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