I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Acid is not a monday night drug
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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