I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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