need another drink. this is the easiest way
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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