so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
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