Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
