I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
