I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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