My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
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Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
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There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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