if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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