The maid of honor just puked.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
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The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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