I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i need an iv and a liver transplant
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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