I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
