You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
