I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
