i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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