so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
