did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
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well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
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Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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