Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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