apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
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i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
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Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
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