You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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