he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
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Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
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I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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