I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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