so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
