All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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