Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
me + whiskey = a bad person
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
