note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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