the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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