How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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