i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
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