Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
