Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
