Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
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There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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