I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
