:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize