my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
