if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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