1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Dicks are not precious.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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