yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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