Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
