So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
