took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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