Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
being pregnant is like rehab
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
