There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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