The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
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