I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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