He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
