My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
