How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
