why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Come see our sink grown plant.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
