Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
