and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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