I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
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SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
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And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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