in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I would fuck him just for his dog
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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