i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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