i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
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Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
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We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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